another flowing fingers moment

sometimes i have this pressing need to be different than everyone else. and i am not satisfied with following the crowd or having them follow me.  and while, at once, i thought this was an esteemed trait of diversity and a need to create and be someone entirely different than everyone else. i felt that once i finally achieved this elusive greater being that was the great elsa, that i would finally gain the happiness that i had been searching for.  

but i learned that the more i sought this ambiguous uniqueness, the more upset i became with myself. the more tortured i was with the people i had once considered friends.  i could never fulfill my true happiness because of a lack of satisfaction in my own creativity. there was always someone that did the same things. and there was always something new that had to be made.

i became obsessed with claiming my right as the originator. i was possessive with my ideas and even my thoughts. i dared not share  a single word, for fear of being 'copied' and therefore 'de-specialized', taken off my high throne of majestic singularity.  

and finally, through the sassy showings and elitist ego, i saw the littlest bit of light. a teeny glimpse of the real problem that was at hand. 

and it was this: 

i was simply not satisfied with being myself. pursuing the things i liked, regardless of how trendy or seemingly non-trendy these things were, was not enough for me, because i was not me. i did not want to be like the others and i did not want others to think that i was simply following the crowd. and this very thinking is what lead me to becoming the nastiest being i had become, tearing down others in fear that they were stealing my identity that i had not yet found. and through much learning and time spent simply by myself, i learned of me. 

and i learned of my own beautiful and unique personality and character. 

and i was amazed at who i was. it was a time that i discovered the filling need to just be me. to do what i love and be how i am, because i like it. and just as slowly as the insecurities left me, they began to take the flakes of judgement with them. 

and because of it, i am happy. truly happy. i don't think that there are more ways in this life that one could find such a contentment in their life. there are always the occassional thoughts of inferiority and the shyness of sticking myself out there, but there is a constant reassurance that always returns. and it greets me as a feeling of gratitude, that this is me and i am diversely unique from the other thousands of beings out there. and i am here to stay. 

why all this soul searching? you may ask. it was simply what i needed. and while i know there are many out there that find my stories to be cliched and dramatic, to that i say, it was my journey this summer, and it was my time to figure it out. and 

it

is

me.