the girl with great big plans

Jun 19, 2012

i don't think i'm the one who wrote this

i gave jace a hard time today for not updating her blog more often. and then i waxed poetically about how i make sure to write every day, except weekends (sorry j, i realize that convo was a little too egotistical). and then i realized, i better write today, even though i totally don't have anything to say, and even though its a half hour past my bed time.

i would like to tell you that i have anxiety. its a little scary for me to write that. but i feel the pressing need to. i've always kept certain parts of my integral self and personality secret for fear of exposing too much and scaring some away. contrary to my thought, i have found the exact opposite in the most beautiful and kind souls that have so wonderfully incorporated themselves into my life and carefully listened to and helped me with the very things that trouble me most. and they don't even care. it is the strangest thing to me, to see such rare and pure love that has completely encompassed me at all times and to know that at once i thought they would all laugh at me for it. and to still occasionally be afraid to admit the things that embarrass me most.

so i would wish to tell you, whomever you may be, that there is comfort in sharing with others. and there is comfort in sharing with yourself. there are still good and lovely people in this world and they walk closer than we might know. i generously thank those who have accepted me and taught me the lesson of being compassionate, even like the greatest understander of compassion. and i tell you, one last time, that once it was hard for me to admit to myself that there were things i needed help with and there were things that i wanted to say, but once i did, i found inside me, the most beautiful creature that had been waiting to help me roam this world with the happiness and confidence that i needed to know i had.

huh. and i thought i didn't have anything to say.

*i hope you don't think that i have some severe form of uncontrollable anxiety that has taken over my life. its just there, and it needed to be taken care of. and i am wonderful.

Jun 18, 2012

and this is how my day went

this is what the flu virus looks like.

me, watching endless movies (which has now turned to tv),

and looking for all sorts of crafts and creative ideas for girls camp online,

while conveniently parked on the couch in front of the tv.

i may have snottily commandeered the entire basement living room,

but hey-i'm sick. don't we all get the right of taking over

some space in the house when under the weather?

my inflamed throat, plugged ears, and aching body scream yes.

Jun 15, 2012

i'll walk on

i seem to always get stuck.
stuck on something. or someone.
and no matter what, i can't seem to move past it.
my obsessive brain dwells and dwells on the same simple facts,
that are so obviously black and white,
and try to look for the gray maybes hidden within.
inevitably, i lead myself to more miserable moments,
just trying to label denial as optimism.

and finally, yesterday,
i was hit with the bricks of actuality.
there is no in between shade of gray, however much i may wish for it.
i am me, and he is he. (grammar?)
i cannot change what the imminent may be,
as hard as my controlling thoughts may press the area or disappointment in my mind.

so here i am,
leaving the many somethings
and the not so prevalent someone,
for a much bigger and better world of
definites and possibilities.
and i feel pretty darn confident about it.
and pretty darn empowered.

Jun 14, 2012

well hello again!

long time no see! i'm back in the good old homestead and i've got a lot going on lately. i know i obviously have a lot i haven't written about, so here it is, in good old fashioned elsa way, here's a list.

ten things to keep you caught up with me

1. i loved the beach. thats really all there is to it.

a much needed sun soak has refilled my happiness vitamin D fuel tank.

2. i gained a few pounds.

southern food is not the best for my figure,

no matter how much i may love it.

let the ceasing of soda drinking begin!

3. i spent 5 days enjoying snippets of my southern life in atlanta

and oh, do i miss it so.

4. i am the best bridesmaid ever.

all the way to the deep south just for her bridal shower.

or maybe she's the best bride ever for conveniently planning.

its probably the latter. and i love her for it.

5. unpacking. it will be the death of me.

6. i have an official obsession with journals...

it was discovered on a target trip in panama city beach.

7. i've been made the director of girls camp for church.

its a bit overwhelming to think all girls ages 12-17 will be looking to me

for fun, certification, and spiritual fulfillment,

but i am so excited about it all, it helps me forget that.

8. i read sisterhood of the traveling pants. now that i'm finally 'old enough' to read it,

i spent the whole time loving the story and trying to get past the differences from movie to book.

i thought watching the movie first might be better in those situations.

turns out, its about the same.

9. i' registered for classes for the fall. is it weird that its happened so soon?
i feel like it was just a few weeks ago that we ended winter and now its time for fall.
here comes school slowly leaking into my summer and making me think about it.

10. i am happy. oh so happy.

i am also extremely tired. maybe i shouldn't have blogged, and waited for a more creative moment, but i needed to get something out. its been over a week.