do you ever look back? i think it's human nature to. we all look back, seeing the things that we remember. but the things that get me the most are the things that changed.  who i thought i would be. who i thought i was.  what i thought i would be doing.  where i thought i would be going. when i would be there. isn't it funny?  it was all so different that it makes us laugh at the idea of its difference and baffle at it too. the things that didn't happen and the things that we didn't expect, but came they to life. the old-timey grandma inside of me sits and shakes her head at life, thinking how am i ever going to make sure i've done it all.  is that bad? that i always remember things that have happened? or is it worse that i look forward to the things i imagine? regardless of the now, is not a way that i should live. so i'm coming back to that slowly, painstakingly just thinking about right now. because next time i look back, i want to remember being so engulfed in that time that its memory is distinct and its clarity in tact.

when something is right

i think when something is right, it's different. its exhilarating. its not nervousness. its anxious and anticipation mixed with determination.

i was thinking about the last wedding i shot, which as i mentioned, was completely by myself. the temple was packed that day with 57 weddings, and navigating spots, keeping groups together, all of that stuff, was not an easy task. yet, the entire day i had this odd confidence about me. like i had done it before and i already knew what i was doing. it wasn't a 'fake it til you make it' kind of thing. it was real and odd and completely unbelievable. i don't know how i did it, but all i do know is that it was right. it feels like its not only what i want to do now, but what i am supposed to be doing now. and those little moments i have when i remember this and realize this make me feel so wonderfully blessed. that reassurance from a divine being is one of the more powerful experiences in life and i could not respect it more.

This really got me. We have agency to choose who we are and how we define ourselves.  Denying ourselves our own decisions and letting others do so is not what was meant to be.

"There are also people who consider the defining fact of their existence that they are from Texas or that they were in the United States Marines. Or they are red-headed, or they are the best basketball player that ever played for such-and-such a high school. People can adopt a characteristic as the defining example of their existence and often those characteristics are physical.

We have the agency to choose which characteristics will define us; those choices are not thrust upon us.

The ultimate defining fact for all of us is that we are children of Heavenly Parents, born on this earth for a purpose, and born with a divine destiny. Whenever any of those other notions, whatever they may be, gets in the way of that ultimate defining fact, then it is destructive and it leads us down the wrong path." - Dallin H. Oaks

african stories

have you ever had a moment when you knew things with such exactness and precise knowledge that it moved you to your very core?  a knowledge so sure and so powerful that it seems as if every single thing in your life all connects to that point, because that one thing that you know is so strong, it must have everything to do with it all. have you ever felt that?

i distinctly remember feeling that one day. it overtook me like a wave of emotion and power mixed and sent clarity through my heart.

there was a girl in africa. she was young, probably in her early teens. and she was sick. very sick. one day as we closed the clinic for the day, turning away patients, her father dragged her in by her arms, and gently set her by us, not saying a word.

the rest all happened so quickly, its sometimes hard for me to remember it all.  but throughout seizure after seizure, and several episodes of passing out, our small little group of clinic helpers became very worried about this girl. we knew she must go to the hospital, because it was beyond our nurse's help. but making it there - even making it home - was what troubled us all. i thought it was sure she wouldn't make it back. she could barely stay conscious, let alone sit up straight on the back of a little moped scooter for more than 10 miles on the dirt road.

"can you go get the other men to give her a blessing?" the sweet nurse asked her husband, believing in a power far greater than what we had, putting aside religious prejudices (her family was not from the same church) and calling upon something she knew to be an answer.

and in the middle of that barren land in kenya, africa, she was given a blessing.  and just as simple as it was given, she left with her father again.

through the next few days as the nurse and her husband spent time with the girl at the hospital, they discovered malaria that had traveled to her brain, and treated it. and with more kindness, they decided to sponsor her education at the school we had worked at, and give her a better life there.

that moment comes to me time and again. the moment when i realized of the intricate plan we all have.  things have been set in motion for us, that we may not even comprehend. things that are hard and burdensome, that we would rather live without.  but then those things can bring us blessings that would have never come about without those hard things.  and to look back at all those things, i couldn't help but know with such preciseness that there is a God, and He is in our lives. and that moment - that powerful moment - was so simple, that it brought me the clarity that i know could have only come from Him.

i love love

I am so full of so much stinkin' love and mush, its not even funny.  Legit.  I keep "aww"ing and smiling and laughing and giggling, and I don't even know why. My best friend got married and I'm a wreck over it - a fabulously good wreck though - I am so so happy for her because she's so happy and that leaves me a happy mushy mess. (Jace, you really were right about love all those years of gushing over it. You knew it was better than anything and you went and found it and proved everyone wrong. Here's those three words - you were right). And then my roommates are all gushy and sweet with their boy toys and instead of the usual, I'm over here finding myself just wanting to be around them all and bask in their happiness so it can add to mine. And on top of that all, I find myself enthralled in work with people that love. I take pictures and document love, while newly engaged and married couples forget that I'm around them and escape into each other's eyes. And I don't mind one stinking bit. Guys, I don't know what it is. Is it possible to be in love without having anyone to love? Probably not, but whatever, here I am. Admit me to the psych ward now.

once there was a guy that called me a moneyball girl. and for a short time i was his moneyball girl. it was as simple as things not working out. timing, spacing, where we were at in our lives. it just didn't work, but i still dove into it head first. because thats what i wanted to do. because you don't give up on someone that calls you a moneyball.
have you ever seen moneyball? its about a baseball team that decided to look at the game a new way and realized that home runs and batting average weren't what got you wins. it was walks and punts - things that don't look as good as the rest, so certain players were left overlooked. and those players were called moneyballs.
he told me that they were the kinds of girls that didn't really get asked on dates as much. they were overlooked for their prettier and more catchy friends. but they were the ones that were passionate about things. they goals and they worked on them. they were spiritual. they had a good family and cared about others.
"you're a moneyball girl. i don't want you to take that the wrong way either. you might not go on dates, but i think that's a shame. because if guys really took a minute to look, they'd realize it all. you're the kind of girl they want to marry. you're the kind of girl they all want to have. and its incredibly unfortunate that none of them have realized that about you yet."

and that was all i needed to ever hear to go forward. it made all the difference. he brain was full of science and practicality that opposed my emotion run creativity, but he understood my mind and that was what i needed.

inspiration

it hits me and goes through me in a way that nothing else does. it runs like something i've never really experienced otherwise.  almost like a slow fog at first - i can't quite make sense of anything, no matter what it is I'm working on.  i have pieces, vague ideas, scattered thoughts.  But nothing really goes the way I want it.  And then suddenly, with no real rhyme, reason, or time, i feel it creeping in. and i can't quite grasp it yet, but i know its coming. it's seeping through the ceiling and like an egg being cracked, it seeps over the top of my head and flows down through me. and if i don't grab something and start writing it down, i'll lose it. if i don't speak immediately, i'll forget it. if i don't move and do it runs past me. it is the most odd and somewhat spiritual experience i have. there are times where i sit and labor and work tirelessly towards just a glimmer of inspiration. and then there are the blessed times that i can literally feel a surge and charge run through me. and i don't know why i work that way, but i do. my life works like this. and i live like this because it is my creative brain and it satisfies me and i sometimes think of it and look at it in awe.  its the most beautiful thing that i can think of - a tangible connection with a higher and more ultimate power that can be seen through the product of what i create. and that's a gift

a christmas of people

christmas for me, is people. this year had felt different for me and i couldn't quite explain why. the joy of presents or the hustle and bustle of holiday cheer didn't seem the same. and i think that's because i changed a little bit. i have so dearly come to learn of the importance of the people around me in life, and i think thats where it all changed. because there's a certain feel in the air around the holidays that changes the way we are with people. and i think thats when i realized that i'd rather have people for christmas any day. people that i love and wrestle with daily, like brothers, and roommates, that always keep me laughing.  people that i look up to and admire, watching to know how to live, like my parents and grandparents. people that i connect with, that bring me such a feeling of solidarity and understanding that is accompanied with a bond that even i don't understand, but only us best friends truly can. and just those people. those people that we see all the time and that i somehow seem to take for granted that they are always just there. for me, people is what christmas is about. i could live on a christmas of traditions and people and still just be as happy. and i think thats why we are all here together. God gave us people to love us and nurture us. to influence us, teach us, and bless us. and my testimony of that is really the best christmas gift i could have received.

messages

I love this message and this story. 

happy sunday. 

african stories.

i had never been somewhere that was far worse than i had imagined. but here i was, and it was staring me in the face. i had been to a third world country before, and for some reason i had thought that this gave me an advantage, but i was not off to a good start. it may have been the 27 hours of straight travel or it may have been the bed i had slept on that looked like it was covered in diseases, but either way, starting off my first full day in africa was not as easy as i had thought it might be. we were told several times that today we would be in the poorest of the poor, and all that experience i had mentioned before left me to think that it would not be much harder than what i had experienced. but the barren dirt land that was inhabited by far too many shelters, that could hardly be considered homes because they were made of garbage bags with sticks for framing, left me with a feeling i still can't describe. i could not process what was in front of me.  i did not know how i would face the day. i didn't know how i would make it and let alone smile, and i instantly wanted to go home. but i was the first seat on the bus. the one they were all waiting for to get off first, to lead the way through what was just as terrifying to them. i pulled my sunglasses down, and walked out into the sun with the most sincere prayer in my heart. and the biggest blessing i could have ever asked for followed. the instant my foot hit that ground, i was fine. i was more than fine. i was the most kind and outreaching i had ever been in my life. and that was when i knew i wanted to always do this. i wanted to always travel, no matter where in the world it may be. because it was a gift to be there and i left more blessed than those that i was intending to bless.

i know i always post this picture, but it was my moment and i love that it was captured. 

the divine power

i am grateful for friends that are worthy. and i am grateful for friends that are good and whole. there is something so powerful in seeing a friend in a new, sacred, and spiritual light that brings such a respect that i can't even begin to describe. a new bond that lets me see just who they really choose to be, and how little i let them be that in my eyes. i think it so special that they live that way and they choose to be the most righteous they can be, so they can bless others. and now i should live my life that way, so that i might be able and willing to help, if only a small amount compared to them.

the priesthood is a gift and power that i have such respect for.  and for those that use theirs willingly and respectfully.

i've thought a lot about change lately, 

and how it is always evident in our lives, 

yet most of the time we still fight it off. 

but i've learned that my life is a life of change, 

and the gospel is a church of change.

we should always be changing. 

why wouldn't we want it to? 

it seems like something so simple 

and it struck me across the face today with its profoundness. 

embrace change and let it rule life.

there was an irresistible urge to do all of the wonderful things in the world. and that was the romance of summer time.

Most have moved on into fall with school, but today is my last day of summer, as tomorrow I move back to small college town. This summer has felt like an eternity, in all of the good ways of the meaning of that word.  I am a summer lover, but not the usual lover that idolizes and over talks its greatness.  I am a usual appreciator of the balance of a good break with a good stretch of hard work.  But this summer has left me as the usual summer lover that you find in teenage high school passionates-the ones that can’t seem to function without recalling all of their adventures and constantly reliving it all.  I have never had such a wonderful summer as I did now.  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that my life becomes more and more enriching the older I get, but I’d also like to think it had a lot to do with circumstance.  The blessed circumstance of opportunity.  The opportunities to travel to the very places that I had always dreamed of and be enriched more than I could have imagined by experiences about my ancestry that left me learning so much.  The circumstance of an over scheduled life, and trying above all else to plan and execute something so wonderfully great for these awesome teenage girls, so that they could come to love camp as much as I always have.  The circumstance of blessings beyond measure.  And mostly, the circumstance of becoming more myself with each step of the way, and having the whole world notice it too.  I had always said that last summer I had learned who I was.   And that much is true.   But this summer I became a better version of myself that I could have imagined the summer before.  And I think that’s the beauty of having a period of time when you can focus on you as a being, and not as you as a student.  Because I believe now, that you can always become a better version of yourself.  And that is the real gift of growth that I learned this summer. I had heard a story once that related life to a hallway of doors.  And as we make decisions, for good or bad, the doors open and close, depending on the consequences.  And right now, I feel as if all my doors are open. They had been shut, and I know that there will be times when they will shut or open, but as for right now, I couldn’t be more blessed that they are all open. 

families

i'd like to think that the man i marry will wear a bow tie on our wedding day, just for me, because he knows how much i love them. and on occasion, he'd wear them again, and say that he did "only because you love them so much". but i would know its because he secretly likes them. and maybe we would fight over our children's names and what they really should be and spend hours looking through baby books of names. i also like to dream of having two daughters, that despite their quarrels, really do love having each other, because they should be so lucky to have a sister that i never had. but maybe occasionally, i would just hold my little boys and teach them how to be kind and gentle. but mostly, above all else, i think of how lovely it will be to still be in love with the family i will have one day, despite the messes, frustrations, harder moments. i learned yesterday about the exceptional gift it is to love someone so much that their well being trumps everything that you want for yourself. and to learn that it is one of the few ways that we can truly learn to love the way we are loved by a Heavenly Father, makes families and marriage seem that much more important.  because with that true love, it is so God-like, it makes family seem like more of a heavenly experience.

Loving yourself is as life was intended

I wrote this for a blog (on promoting confidence in young women) a long time ago, and when I stumbled upon it today, I thought I'd share it here.

It is a constant mess of problems and drama to be a girl.  A world in which happy things bring the bright upswing of life only to counterbalance the internal struggles that we each secretly survive each day.  The little details of a passing boy, the consuming drama of a friend, and the overwhelming thoughts of our own shortcomings.  With all of our similar struggles, it’s a wonder why we don’t realize the bond we do share in this.  I believe the root of it all is comparison and the internal struggle of needing to love what we lack.  Looks. Talent. Personality.  The heartache that plagues us all and quietly whispers as a little white lie, “You can never be that good. Settle for your imperfections.” The teacher of all rationalization.  The breeder of miserable moods.  It slowly washes away the resolve that all women must wear until we slowly wash away ourselves.  We were never good enough.  There was no point in trying.  I’ll only disappoint myself more with my inferiority.

         And as the pain wrenches and rips our soul in two, our outsides mimic our ugly and worn down thoughts while the viscous cycle continues. It seems as if there is no way out and no hope of a better day with happy solutions. Downward spiraling into the hole that we have dug ourselves.  But the glimpse of a ladder can always be seen.  It is up to the climber to decide to ascend or not.

            It was when I decided to begin to constantly compare myself with the people around me, and no doubt the people I loved most, that I slowly and viscously slipped into that all-consuming trap that was myself. Each step came more quick and much easier than the last, turning me into the oxymoron that it was.  The self-conscious and self-righteous bubble that I thought was preserving and cultivating my outside allure, was only harming it.  I was so far maimed by my own shortcomings that they were becoming blatantly obvious . And I was not fun to be around.  I did not know who I had become and how I could get out.  The harder I tried, the deeper I sunk, and the envy inside of me grew.  I was upset with myself for becoming the jealous friend that loved, but constantly and internally compared.  I knew this was not me.

                And I don’t know who or what it was that finally awoke me to my senses (for I cannot take full credit), but it was as if the curtains in my dull drafty house had been opened.  And this is what I learned. Each person is made up of such beautiful specific detail, that there is no way in this world that I could possibly be compared to another.  With the particulars of my personality and the basics of my looks I could not try to compare my shortcomings with another’s strengths.  And with the slow realizations that came into my mind, the truths of my own strengths trickled into my mind.  It was the truths of my own internal beauty that gave me comfort in my own skin and passion in my life.  The comfort that slowly showed in my smile and gave the confidence I had so clearly lacked. What a beautiful world it had become with happiness radiating my life.  It wasn’t because of the noticing of others in my change but my own awareness of myself and my benefits towards this world that helped me become the most me I ever have been in my life. 

Of all of the personal struggles and stories I have read and heard of, none has touched me more than the story of Stephanie Nielson.  In her beautiful book, Heaven is Here, she so beautifully describes exactly how I have come to felt.  “I know, now, without a doubt that the true source of happiness, self-worth, and authentic beauty doesn't come from the outside. Women are constantly being persuaded to want something unachievable, to look younger or thinner and above all to fit in because being different is too painful and embarrassing. I have accepted myself in a world that does not accept me, because I have learned that our hearts matter most... It's a beautiful heart, not a perfect body, that leads to a beautiful life.”

Of all I have learned, I know this. Loving yourself is as life was intended.  We were made for specific purpose in this life and with that specific purpose, we must learn to truly and deeply love ourselves so we can begin to unfold the great tasks that are in store for us in our lives. Each person is unique and molded for their own reasons. And the more we learn to accept ourselves for the strengths and admit our weaknesses, the more we come to learn to rely on others to accomplish a greater good in this world.  To work with others is where we learn to truly appreciate them and love ourselves as life intended.  Life can be a glorious thing if we let it.  Learn to love it with the passion of your own uniqueness.

i love god. african stories.

i once said earlier this summer, that i would share more about my travels because they bring me alive. so here is a story that i still love the most.

there was one girl i met that was more of a heavenly teacher than a little girl to me.  as a 10 year old from the local town of naivasha, we were very different.  but she told me of  her life so proudly and excitedly. i asked her, "what is your favorite thing to learn about in school?" she quickly and boldly answered with a subject that to them meant religion and church.  as i was surprised by her boldness to share something that may have seemed more private so easily with someone so much older and different than her, she continued on. "do you know why? because I love God." it was so simply stated that her firm conviction shook me to immediate tears.  she continued even more, not even frazzled by my emotion, "and He loves you. i know He does. because He loves me." she taught me the simplicity of a relationship with God and a love for a faith that she knew to be true. a courage to share what you know to simply share your happiness of it.

blessed

i am divinely blessed, in more ways than i should be allowed. 

i find myself complaining often about the busy things

and the little faults of my own being, 

but i am divinely reminded quite often just how much i am being given.

in both concrete and abstract ways, there is no limit to what i have been given.

and i am so very grateful for that. 

because its those times that i realize that i am being blessed beyond what i deserve, 

that i realize just how important i am as a person and how grand my potential can be.

you should try looking at it that way sometimes-

it can be wonderfully eye opening. 

This day deserves a story. Hamburg.

And I hope that at least a few of you stick around to read it.

Because this was a day that was altering and beautiful to me 

and I wish to share that with those that will listen.

this much i had always known of my family before me:

they were full blooded german (on my grandmother's side)

her father (my great grandfather Karl) had been involved in the wrong efforts by accident 

during WWII and was captured by Nazis, 

and eventually the entire family immigrated to America to stay.

I ama named after Karl's wife, my great grandma Elsa,

and that has always been of at least a small significance to me.

as i have grown older and learned more, i've had specific and spiritual moments 

in which i have felt my grandma Elsa.

and this day in particular is one in which i learned the great importance of her 

and my special responsibility of the name that i hold that is hers.

the purpose of this entire trip was to take my father's parents back 

to the countries that they had come from.

my grandpa to denmark, and my grandma to germany. 

neither had been and it was a big ordeal that almost all 

of their children and some of their grandchildren joined in on

and i heard of stories of my ancestors that i had never heard before.

this is as much as i know.

my great grandpa had worked in the government at the time of hitler's take over

and did not like the direction that he was taking the country in.

while he resisted, he was found and taken to a concentration camp.

he escaped and spent several months on the run.

i'm unsure as to the timing of the events, but i know that Elsa was left to her own with her children.

Hamburg was put under massive bombings because of its status as a port town,

and because of that the women and children were evacuated to live 

in an evacuated work camp on the outskirts of the city.

It was there that Elsa gave birth to my grandma during the middle of an air raid, in a bomb shelter.

there were so many stories, but the message was still the same to me.

they greatly sacrificed so that we could be here today.

so that i could carry a message as a namesake.

we spent that day trying to find where the work camp had been that my grandma was born in.

while it was a bit of a goose chase, we were surrounded and helped 

by the most wonderful germans that were so pleased to have been a part of it.

we finally found the street next to that which the camp had been

and a sweet old german man told us that he had lived there his whole life

 and we were in the right place.

with a few of the old bunkers left, we knew it too.

it was an incredible experience, and one that i am quite proud to have been a part of.

we spent the rest of the day at the harbor and saw in person 

what we had seen in paintings of my great grandfather so many times.

i was grateful for that day and the lesson it gave me of family and heritage

and of the strong witness of the importance of my name

and the person that bore it.

my great grandparents, grandmother, and great uncle in Salt Lake.

jumbled thoughts of a jet lagger

me at my finest. more unconnected thoughts that may be funny, may be weird. 

I slept 12 hours the other night. TWELVE! From 9-9. I have never done that in my entire life. But I also have never stayed up for 24 straight in my life either, so I guess that cancels that out.

Somehow, I still have gold glitter on my clothes from when I glittered mason jars for girls camp almost a month ago, and I don’t know how that happened. Like at all. But its starting to get to the point where it doesn't even shock me even more. But a lot of things don’t shock me anymore. Maybe I’m becoming jaded. That’s really to bad. 

I got to work today and saw that I had 223 e-mails. Automatically assumed that it would take my whole day to answer them-wrong. It took 3 hours. Welp, that was easy. 

Ya know, I only ever watched Roman Holiday once, but I really did love it.  I should have watched it on the plane, it would have been such a good plane movie.  You know what else is a good plane movie? Safe Haven. You know what isn't a good plane movie? Argo. I almost peed myself.

It’s like, there has been so much that has happened in the past month. Wow. Weird to think it’s been a month.  I thought I was supposed to be going out of town IN a month. And now its camp time.

I keep having dreams that I’m getting married and some days they’re nightmares (like the worst nightmares I've ever had woke up crying nightmares) and some days, they’re the greatest thing ever. I’m not sure how to interpret that. Maybe it’s all the melatonin.

I really should start reading again. I always love it when I actually do read. It’s just the actual opening the book part that seems to be a hard step for me.

I still haven’t seen the new Superman. WHO AM I?!?

Lately I've been spending my days talking to teenage girls about why they should come spend 4 days with me and 20 other teenage girls at a super fun spiritually enlightening camp. I’m starting to feel like I’m getting good at convincing them. Maybe that will lead me to a career in sales. Cause I can close the deal.

Sometimes at work, people think I’m my dad’s secretary and it’s kind of awkward. Because I’m really just the intern. And his daughter. 

Also, I have a new BFF at work. She's a mom and I love it. 

things i wish my future self would tell my current self

going to college and spending lots of money on it? good choice.

hey-red hair? good choice. i still have it.

you will get married and he will be great and all this silly work you're putting towards it now
will definitely be worth it.

oh and buying the all the seasons of your current favorite tv shows? definitely a good purchase.
especially for those sick days. 

learn to be happy during the sad and roll with the punches.
there will be many sads and your reaction will make all the difference.

yes, keeping a clean house is necessary to your sanity.

you know who you are. always rediscover that.  

learning to be early instead of late? probably good to start that now. 

you're still doing the right things. stick with them.

hey-don't worry so much about everything turning out alright, because it will.

you're doing great.